Dickie Blondheim, co-founder of the Joy to Life Foundation, shared how he handled his wife Joy’s breast cancer and how other spouses, partners, parents or friends can do right by their loved one and themselves.
What were your first thoughts when you heard the diagnosis?
Standing at Baptist Hospital, almost 22 years ago, I can’t remember my exact thoughts, but I remember my feelings. For two days prior, we had to sit around and wait to find out what was going on, and while waiting, I was making all these assumptions about how bad it could be. To finally have the doctor tell us exactly what we were dealing with—breast cancer in both breast and two different kinds of cancer—was really difficult. But to be honest, because of all the apprehension before knowing, it was almost a relief. It was like, “Now that is over, and now we have to sit down and make a plan to fight this and find a successful treatment.” We went and sat in a room in the hospital by ourselves for a bit and I told Joy, “We’re going to create a plan to take care of you.” And that is what we did.
Did you have to put your needs aside to focus on Joy?
Definitely, especially around her surgery and recovery. During all that, my needs were on hold. After those first few weeks, we then got on a more regular schedule. I was always there to take care of her if needed, but Joy is a pretty strong woman. It actually made me stronger, watching her strength going through this.
Through the treatment process and after,how did you stay focused and healthy for her?
I used to work out a lot, and things like going to the gym and running definitely keep your mind clearer, and I think it’s better than going home and having a beer watching TV. If you’re doing nothing or thinking about it all too much, your mind will do crazy things. Lots of assumptions will come into your head. I’d encourage others going through this to stay busy, with a hobby, with exercise, even just a walk, whatever. Take that time for you, and don’t neglect yourself. If you get down or sick, you’re no good for your spouse.
Don’t worry about what to say or what not to say. Just make the caregiver and the patient aware that you are there.
Did you feel like you could ask for what you needed?
No, not at first. I thought I could do everything alone, but I was so wrong. Our children, our family and our friends were there for us, and I was so very grateful. I really will never forget how deeply touched I was that those who love us were totally committed to my needs and Joy’s recovery.
If others want to help what would you tell them to do? I deeply appreciated all the wonderful help and support that we received at the hospital and at home. Friends flew to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas, to support me and my children while Joy was in surgery for 13 hours. When we returned home, family and friends did whatever was needed to make Joy comfortable and to make me feel I was not doing this alone. Let those around you help and be there for you. I know from my experience that it means everything. Simply put, just be there for the caregiver and patient. Keep communications open. And to the caregiver, I’d say don’t feel uncomfortable if people want to help. Accept support graciously. I realized just how much people care, and that was truly uplifting to me and Joy.
What advice would you give other caregivers in the middle of this journey? I was lucky because I have a background in pharmacy. I dealt with medical terminology, so when I sat down with the doctor for the first time, I understood more than most. My No. 1 advice is when talking to doctors, remember, just because they have “Dr.” in front of their name doesn’t mean they are smarter than you or that you can’t question them. You should ask them every question you want, and ask them to slow down so you can understand what they are telling you. The doctor wants you to understand because understanding is key to the recovery of the person you are caring for. It is also very helpful to record the conversation with the doctor, with the doctor’s permission of course. Recording the conversation allows you to revisit any information
you may have missed during the office visit. Lastly, no matter what doctor you see, get a second opinion! A caring doctor will never argue with that decision.